I’m Talking about the typical feelings of a woman having sex with her husband and feeling used in the process like he doesn’t love her. In this scenario using communication to get you through and not protecting yourself from someone you should trust (reference other articles) I realized that a lot of this has everything to do with perspective and if you can get to the root of your own feelings about it then it would be much easier to communicate this to your spouse.
So I was having this conversation with my husband at first and we tackled some stuff that I found it hard to communicate before. We were in such a vulnerable place and I knew that sex was very important for the both of us. During this time I build up the courage and comfort level to just cut to the chanse on how I felt about sex.
“my roots in what I believed about being used steemed from back when I was an unbeliever. There were plenty of boundaries I did not have that caused a lot of my pain and suffering in the present. I’ll be talking about my journey and hope that it helps you in yours.”
Backstory
When I was a younger adult I was always given the impression that all sex was only important to men. it was supposed to be the key to his heart. If you had a great sex life with your girlfriend or boyfriend then you knew that what would keep him around. Because such a thought like this was nurtured in my head, I never looked at sex as something that was supposed to satisfy me. So in most of my sexual experience I was very disconnected with my patterns at the time and more focused on me the best sexual partnerr I could be for the guy. In my mind thats how it works. I felt at though the most important thing for me was to just feel loved and excepted. So when I didn’t feel the things then I knew right off the bat that maybe im not good enough. I can almost guarantee you that every relationship i’ve been in i’ve eventually became the shoulder to cry on. A good friend when you needed. good for sex and a movie. Don’t get me wrong we had times of laughter but my relationships was less about friendship and more about the transaction. You do for me I do for you. there were no real boundaries. Well know wonder eventual they all had the same ending. As I grew older I nurtured a pattern of just not getting to deep in my feelings. I would discconnect soon enough that when it was time to cut ties and breakup, my heart wasn’t really broken. It was like we had never knew each other. For me the breakup process happens during the decline of me feeling important. If I noticed my boyfriend wasn’t giving me the attention I used to get, I knew it was time to depart. I never really understood why that would keep happening to me the same story over and over again. Eventually When I had enough, I blocked, deleted, changed my number god knows how many times. Don’t get me wrong, there were times I fought but by that time arrived my best friends would clearly catch on to the pattern and let me know this guy is no good. I should let it go. But because they never stopped pursuing I thought of that as hope when in reality I was in denial. As a result to this behavioral pattern I never looked at sex as a mutual thing until marriage. but I also want to add I never looked at the value of sex until I got saved and became a christian in 2017 . I always saw it as something I needed to keep a guy around.
In the beginning of my marriage my husband and I watched this series on relationship goals by this pastor. It brought up a lot of things for us sex being one of them. once we finished watching this video I told my husband that I don’t believe that men are the only ones that NEEDS sex. I believe that women NEED sex too. He looked to be surprised and asked what my thoughts were on it. I went on to tell him. I feel like for so long there has been a double standard when it came to sex and it has been so perverted by todays world definition of sex and “who” is important. I believe that women need sex just as much as men do but the way its translated is different. This started up an on going convo for us.
As the month went pass we started reading this book called boundaries in marriage by dr.cludn. going through this because one of the biggest things that stood out for me was communicating with my spouse. one day my hubby called me and said he missed me. But i didnt give him the usual response of “I miss you to” because I actually did. I told him hey babe Im not going to lie to you and tell you something thats not true. he sends me a bunch of gifs with the sad faces said I played him. couple minutes later he facetimed me. so I ended up asking him hey what do you miss about me? he said “ I miss talking to you” I looked at him and said so why don’t you just talk to me?” he was taken a back for a second (in a good way) and we just spoke.
later that night when he came home he said. “you know when you said that comment earlier about talking to you it really hit me” I responded “yeah because I don’t feel like we really have conversations anymore” our routine has been robotically unhealthy. we would work spend “time” watching a movie. he would be on his phone drowned in instagram and when his attention was finally away from everything else and on me it was like he came onto me to have sex. I get it, because its likee you haven’t seen that person all day because he was so consumed with everything other than our relationship. its like coming back up for fresh air after being drowned.
I knew I had to say something and that night god gave us such an open door to tackle this. I told him that when he doesn’t talk to me I feel lonely like im spending time with myself even though we are in the same room. something like that has never been easy for me it was a really vulnerable moment. I told him I felt as though I was only noticed when he was finished doing everything and wanted sex. In all of this I noticed how I contributed as well, because I allowed him to do it and held back in silence just resenting from a far. instead of speaking up and letting him know what actually hurts me.
I used to view things like this as weak or whats the piont nothing will change. but thats just not true. We have to be so open with our partner and begin to tell them the things that hurt us. Im not councilor or relationship expert so if you’d like to know more about what we’ve learned definitely buy that book. The overall take away I got from this was that its not about feeling like an object because thats just the fruit of disappointment and hurt. Its about having a friendship with your spouse and having such an open communication so that he notices your needs just as much as you notice his. Im not one to say that its an overnight thing. I do know that the more he gets to know me and I him, the better we rock as a couple in every area sex totally included.