2020 Vision Board

So, each year comes a round and the zeal to make a vision board happens. The past couple years I created vision boards for myself and just this past year I created one with my husband. The question of the day would be. How far did I (we) get in our goals? Percentage I would say 40%. Why? Well because I for one didn’t “complete” them the way I intended. Either, I started the goal and never finished it or I just thought about completing it all year round. Daydreaming of where I wanted to be. 

My husband and I decided to make January our blueprint month. It’s all about writing the vision and making it plain. We wanted to be intentional about not getting overwhelmed or intimidated by that January 1st date. That scary feeling practically everyone gets when the year begins to hold fast to that one resolution. Not to say there wasn’t any panic but I’d like to think we’re overcoming that. Below are our vision boards from 2017 and 2018.

Apart of my vision board this year is scrapping the old and in with the new. I decided that I needed to start taking better care of myself and cleansing out the old stuff, old techniques included. My wardrobe being one of them. I came up with the idea for my husband and I to get rid of our clothing seasonally. Especially the ones that turn into pjs, in exchange for actually purchasing pjs lol. I’d like to think of this as a prophetic thing. Similar to going through deliverance. I noticed the amount of space that is taken up by things that don’t even get worn.  Our room gets messier faster because we don’t have space to put clothes we actually do wear. 90 percent of the closet is full with things being worn 20% of the time. It’s going to hurt to let some of these things go but I think I’m up for the challenges. 

I signed up for this website (app) called thredUP where they recycle and sell your old clothing. This way I get to not only rid myself of the burden, but an opportunity to create wealth if the item are able to sell. It’s a win win situation. So as I off load the mess, I leave space for the new to take place. 

What I plan to do different this time is to create a realistic timeline for accomplishing each goal. My issue in the past has been putting too much on my plate, so much where I don’t even know where to begin. It becomes a distraction from actually getting things done. I just kept asking myself “how should I do this?” For 12 months straight until January meets me again. This years I’ve listed 12 goals I’d like to accomplish/focus on each month. By spreading out a task for a particularly month, I believe is will take the weight off tackling them all at the same time. I get a chance to forget about the rest until it’s time to add. 

The good thing is, I know what messed me up last year and the upside to messing up “you just know what not to do again”.  With practice of course. Here’s a revelation I received from the lord pertaining this. 

Revelation: 

We usually mess up on the first couple tries because it’s a new thing. It’s apart of training and not striving to be perfect but open to being perfected by the father. It’s when we are vulnerable in this state where he can teach us how to live and reach our goals. He’s showing me the ins and out of being a mother through my mistakes. It reveals the decisions that I make and changes my response for the next time. I get an opportunity to do better.

Matthew 18:1-35 ESV

At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, ...

God revealed this to me recently so I’m taking this tactic into the next year. The idea behind it all is that my goals are all focused around what God spoke over me. Being that he said it, I know he will help me accomplish it. As long as I submit and dedicate myself to doing it his way and not my own. I have to pray about it and seek instruction for each goal. Some goals will come for my will and others may come for my commitment, submission and so forth. Either way, the end goal is to partner with God and what he wants to accomplish through me. So come with me on this ride to completing my God resolution this year. 

Let God show you what his plans are for you. 

My Sinners Past

“My Sinners Past” 

At my church they have a series going “every saint has a past, every sinner has a future” 

I’ve been having many interesting dreams lately where god has been showing me things from my past I don’t speak about as often. Right now I’m in a place of figuring things out with my growth and relationship with God. I’ve realized how much of a help he is when I just ask for the help and trust the process. During this time I’ve noticed areas in which I’ve been avoiding and one of them being ‘writing about my past’. 

As a young girl I spoke very highly of God, I made statements like “God sent me here and he marked me, look at my chest.” I used to have this outline of a cross on my chest that was a shade lighter than my overall tone. Just this year (2019) my mother told me before I was born she prayed this prayer “Lord let this child be with you and walk in your truth”. Oddly enough, I didn’t grow up in a strong Christian home and we rarely if ever spoke about God. Except for this one season I do remember my mom and I attending church in Brooklyn called CCC for a little while. From what I could remember that might have only lasted one year. After that we never went back and to be honest I don’t remember asking why.

At a very young age I was exposed to pornography (elementary) from someone else watching it. I just remember walking into the basement and it was on the screen. The channel was changed quickly but not fast enough for me not to see . I knew it wasn’t something I should’ve been watching but that was just the start to an open door of perversion. I became addicted to it from then all the way to my adult years and nobody had to tell me what I did in private was wrong because I already knew it. I used this as an outlet when I felt alone, rejected, slumber, shameful and sometimes just bored. It was like that quick high that only lasted a moment something I’d imagine a crack head would feel. I learned what relationships entailed between a man and a woman from pornography, that was my standard. Though I had both parents in my life, they were going through there own marital complications but that’s not my story to tell.

I had such an unhealthy viewpoint on relationships and what they meant to serve. When I was older (about 12years of age) I definitely stepped out of the faith though I still had friends in the faith I wouldn’t say they were the best examples, because we were in the same boat doing what I last remembered as “sin”. Sex before marriage, being one of them along with a bunch of other things. So I didn’t see the purpose of God. I didn’t respect Christianity because it seemed like such a scheme. I mocked God, Made references to him and aliens, not to mention I was growing heavy into horoscopes because those made more sense to me.

My love life looked like a lot of soul ties and a bunch of sacrifices in my own dignity. I’ve had boyfriends that claimed to be Christians yet spoke nothing of the God I know now (except for church on Sunday). Giving myself away before it was time and then feeling ashamed has by far set me back in ways i didn’t know. I always ended up believing I fell for the “wrong one”. This led me to depend on friends to fill that lonely void I would NEVER admit to in those days (pride speaks). It was hard out here in my love bubble while thinking I was perfect and something was wrong with everybody else. Truth is I was wrong. I was far from perfect in addition to everyone else being imperfect too. So that makes us equal and I never look at it like that. 

Until the day I got an abortion. My life was all over the place from partying every chance I got bar hoping to waking up the next morning 4am to go work on Some days. I was actually doing pretty okay with my career working as a production assistant on featured films, it made my life worth while. Just trying to grind and hustle until that hustle combined with that lifestyle became a mega reality check. I became pregnant or as I would call it “perfect patty messed up” moment. I felt as though my life flashed before my eyes. I no longer wanted to speak to anybody about there’s lives. Feeling filthy and unworthy to have an opinion. I would say that that was the first time I ever felt my sin.

It was then I questioned my ability to do this life thing foreal? I really needed rescuing, I felt my guard let down and was open to receiving guidance from any spiritual door that would open itself. Couple month after that I traveled to Nigeria with my old best friend and her family, this is where I met a witch doctor he really reminded me of a psychic just with a church building. He told me somethings and was opened to me asking questions on whatever I wanted to know. The things that were said were true but the overal experience was weirdly interesting (suspect). One of the things he told me was “people will betray you” Let’s just say I felt crazy when I left. I already only had a few close people so who could it possibly Be? He went on to say “you need to become more spiritual, I’ll help you”. Next thing you know I find myself taking baths at 2am with salt water. WTH (what the heck). Listen I had know clue what witchcraft was but I was definitely about to be recruited without even knowing. What I remembered God being in the beginning when I was much younger did not reflect in this meeting. “Who is this guy” I’m just left to wonder for now.

When I came back to the country I hit up Naomi an old best friend of my sister. We were already starting on a project together back in the winter time. She invited me to start the filming process again and I ended up leaving to go with her to Bahamas on a ministry trip, I actually had no clue what I was about to walk into. This experience was TOTALLY different from the one I had in Nigeria. A woman named Colleen prophetside the WORD OF THE LORD to me in a hotel room without me even asking or talking about my life. What got me you ask? How did i know it was God? Well the first thing she said was “GOD said don’t walk around not trusting anybody.” It was like I actually felt him in the room. That was the trip that changed my life because God became real to me again in that moment. She spoke everything about my past and what God said he wanted to do with my future. For the first time ever I heard Gods plans for me. Breaking down I could barely fight the tears I felt his love. My throat was on fireeeeee from holding back my emotions. God literally used her as a mouthpiece to communicate to me. It was the most insane experience of my life. Sb: I don’t know how anybody could ever be saved without an encounter like this.

I got saved that year August 2017. I was a sinner who had a future and if it wasn’t for God rescuing me in my mess I wouldn’t have this opportunity today to share my transformation into a saint. 

What is the American “Dream”

The American “Dream” 

It’s simply no longer exists in American terms of what it means. Okay let’s just face it, the American Dream once existed long ago back in the days of war when the men (head of the household) would go out and work as the the wife stayed at home with the white fence and little puppy taking care of the kids. It just made sense or at least that’s what people would like the think. See but now it’s a house full of generational family members trying to get it together. Elders might say (or think) you’re 25 year old son or daughter is still living with you? But I like to say let’s face it. Times have changed and living in the city is NOT catered to your “average joe” I myself is one of them. They have might be thinking. “Well why don’t they just move somewhere else that’s less expensive, some place they can afford.” ... hmm and you know I’d have to ask you “if the sun decided to alternate its shift with the moon would you then just move to the place where it accommodates you?” I know kinda weird analogy. But my point is, most people are looking for a solution not an exit plan. If things were to shift in the same way it did in the city they grew up in “what do you tell them then?”. So moving forward it hasn’t been easy living as a millennial in a time where cooperate America has taken a shift. Things aren’t the same as they used to be and people are now creating there own businesses side hustles getting the Benefits and let’s not forget responsibility. It can be brutal out here. But to be honest it goes to show how many are committed to creating a better life “finding a new way”. One that doesn’t enslave them to a company for many year to retire at 70. In no way am I saying that 9-5s are just completely out the window. I’m saying that people want and are experiencing life beyond that. Don’t be ashamed to be that 25 year old living in your parents basement because you chose to save up money to create your own wealth and not be limited to “a” job. At the end of the day regardless of what route you choose to take they both require some level of commitment, TIME, and effort. I’m not here to bash one over the other so let me make that clear. To be honest people might look at you like your insane and they’ve got it all figured out. Some may judge you wondering “Will this child ever get a job?” But the truth is if they were honest with themselves they’d be able to see destiny in your decision. We can’t live by what people define as “The American Dream” because it simply looks different for everyone and every error. When you realize it’s not about the big house, white fence, puppy (for some), and kids. Rather it’s about the adventure in trying something new in risk or blessing in receiving or loosing. None of it really matter aside from aspiring to live life to the FULLEST. 

i don’t say this to support people with no vision. That’s something that you have to have to see things through. Take me for instants. I came home from college at the age 20. I didn’t find a job right away and started trying to pursue other skills. When I did hold down a job I always felt excited at first but after 30 days, I was ready to quit. my longest way stable job was for about 6 months. I found myself quitting every job not only because it became boring, but because I only worked there to survive. There was no real passion. I was blessed enough to have parents that didn’t require me to pay any rent so I didn’t have to worry much about major bills. Some would see more of a curse than a blessing. Part of me would agree. At some point though, I needed to figure out how I was going to live this Entrepreneurial lifestyle (creating wealth) that I so believed I was made for.

one major point I’m learning now, is not to chase the American dream. Instead, I’m chasing after the kingdom dream/life and trusting that everything else will be added. As long as I’m after God I know he will provide. Starting this blog is now my first step. Follow me as things unfold.

#Ihavethoughtstoo

*picture of a college dorm set up

Trusting god in what seem impossible and even dangerous

Having to be in control of everything is a recipe to tire you out. Often times people’s want to control everything because they feel safer and/or they just trust themselves more than the other participants. The trick of the enemy is to burn you out so that you can’t even reach your goal on time. When you take on a whole project alone, it’s not saying that you won’t complete, but the time it would take to finish, has now doubled. It requires more of your energy, one that you don’t have to extract alone. It’s almost like, playing football alone against another team, that has 50 players. You will have to consider all the other opponents to cover, in order to win. Or think of Thanks Giving, how much more can be completed, with one person verses 4 people? You can do the math. Control, when done from the wrong place, can delay your entire process. 

How would you know you’re being controlling? Well here are some questions to ask yourself. Do you often times feel like you can execute a job, better than the people/person who has offered there assistance? Are you afraid that people won’t measure up to your expectation? Does is feel easier to just complete task yourself? 

The job of a CEO is not to do his specified description on top of all his other employees in the companies roll. He/she is to lay the foundation only building it stronger deep rooting it with the assistance of others. 

I’m sure you can find an area in your life where your in control but you don’t have to be and it’s only because you find it as a means to protect yourself, meaning your life. What you don’t realize is that your taking control of an area that God wants to have. 

I asked my husband “What are the areas that I display control?” He says “Driving, affection, finances” I just listen to what he was saying and why he saw it as control. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew God wanted me to ask this question and just listen, which meant being vulnerable. I didn’t like everything that he said because I was just ready to defend myself and what I thought was right. It was like he pointed the finger and I was ready to point it back. God was trying to helps me in my own struggle. It’s wasn’t based just on Adale asking for me to trust him in these areas. It was God asking for these areas for a bigger cause beyond my own intellect. 

Areas Of Control

Driving

I feel safer when I’m the one driving because I didn’t like the way Adale drove simply because it wasn’t my style or what I imagined. I always think of it as I have control over how fast and slow the car goes, when to switch lanes, my life is literally in my own hands. When it’s all in my hands I know the plans I have for me but if I gave it to another driver (Adale in the case) I’m just left to trust and in fact no control at all, We can’t share that seat at the same time. This plays into our marriage in many ways there were certain things I had complete control over when I was single that I had to give up and trust my husband in when we got married. I struggle with allowing him to lead in many ways because I fear he can’t do it the way I do. And the reality is he won’t because he’s not supposed to. There was a huge part of me that had an expectation on him that mimicked my own. Its scary to think that someone can literally be the cause of your “death” by steering you. I know im being a little extreme but I kinda have to take it there. I start to think to myself that I have no problem trusting a complete stranger to fly me across the country in the air over my husband driving me to the corner store. Why is that? Whats the major difference here? To be fully honest I’m still trying to figure that out.

Affection

Now this one may feel like “Can’t I control (a.k.a withhold) my affection? I have to give that up to?” well yes in this case. I wasn’t the type to display PDA (private or public) to be hugged and kissed on felt like an intrusion to my body. I found it really hard to give myself in that way outside of my terms of comfortability and vulnerability. Resorting to this response “ I just don’t want a hug, I don’t want to give one either” so to me I thought I was JUST being honest when in reality it wasn’t JUST that. I was also protecting myself from being hurt and used simply because I saw it this way. If I fully open up myself and do the things that make uneasy then I loose power and you know what “power” is right. To be honest it wasn't the kind of power you need anyway. I used it to control the way my husband wanted to love me and blocked him out from getting to deep because of fear of being hurt and being “dominated” or “used” which (questionable?) I have to ask myself why does that communicate to you(me) as dominating and being used? What I think God is trying to communicate is that our bodies are not our own ? My interpretation to that is. Getting to KNOW your partner has a lot to do with vulnerability and letting go of those opposing self protective thoughts, idea, and actions that only result in you controlling the amount of affection you give based on your FEAR of being intruded. Might I remained myself that God does not see it that way. In marriage we were not made to keep/block our bodies from our husbands, nor are they to do that with us. 1 Corinthians 7:4 Only the devil will lie to you saying to take back “control” over your body and do what you want when you want. My revelation is that God wants us to look at it as KNOWING one another. For those of you that don’t know (knowing in some Bible context communicate as sex). Genesis 4:1. It’s past our human understanding, we would have to think past that. I’m not saying that you should just be “used” Im really coming for the reason why we jump to it being a “used” thing and not a giving to one another what your spouse rightfully has authority over. I am now starting to change my thought life in protecting (controlling) this part of me.

Finances 

Though my husband and I have an agreement that I’m pretty good with managing our finances and has given that baton over to me, we still find have struggles of control. In our cases even though I was great with number, I made myself lenient on spending a.k.a I would spend money when I probably shouldn’t but justified it because I “asked” or it was a small purchase (which those add up my friend). Not only was I doing that. I also called him out when he was spent money outside of our agreement Matthew 7:4. To my husband that displayed control, and it was true. It’s not okay to abuse the trust that’s been given to you and then turn around and ask to be trusted, they just don’t work in the same place. I’m learning to keep my word and the same expectation I have for my husband I just need to set on myself or it just becomes a double standard. Taking that responsibility and being aware of my contribution has to be acknowledged or we won’t grow. *mirror check*. Now if I really want to be honest here, I was being pretty manipulative which is totally not cool. I can’t expect my partner to consider self control if I don’t have any, even though this is not a game of “if you do it, I’ll do it” we can easily slip into that mode. When I looked at the things I purchased outside of our agreement it was ALWAYS food. I didn’t mind splurging on a meal to satisfy a craving. at times I would even blame it on God thinking “Well God knows I’m hungry and he wouldn’t let me starve so let me just purchase some food” When in reality this just shows that I don’t even trust God to provide for me himself without my actions involved. How could I receive a blessing if I quench the process with my own plans.

There are so many areas in my life that I try to gain control and God really just wants me to let it go and enjoy the journey and the process he has planned. God gave me a vision of a woman in the passenger seat going down the highway but there was nobody in the drivers seat. So who was driving? Good question. Then came an audible voice and it said “How can you write and drive at the same time?”. I woke up from that vision with conviction the lord said to me “you’re meant to enjoy the ride and let me drive as you take in the scenery and document the process” I thought to myself how much i’ve taken control and not been able to trust god? Something like that seems totally abnormal, scary, and risky but I know it’s better than my way. I’m deciding to let go of these controlling mechanisms I’ve set in place to “protect me” and just enjoy the journey I’ve been given. Let go and let God. 

#itsaprocess