I have to do this for the sake of my marriage. Loving another person other than yourself can be pretty difficult. Not to mention, learning what love actually consist of might rewrite your whole dream. That was me. When Adale and I got married I never knew that my butt would be handed to me. Because I thought i was such a complete ready person (barely any flaws) I already had a level of pride set in place. I thought to myself, all we have to do is work through “his problems” as we walk through my new life with Christ. Well if that wasn’t a set up, I don’t know what was. I was walking right into a truth that I knew nothing of. As more of me was exposed, less of me saw the value in my pride. I had to come to reality that i was actually a lot more controlling, reserved, scared than I intended to be. I didn’t know how to be really vulnerable. I’d mastered how to not be fully connected to my partner by protecting myself from him. That meant I was in control of how things went. At any moment I was prepared to just be done and leave. That shows you how vulnerably desolate I was. Even if that turned out to be the scenario “which is came close” I always had this other gut puntching feeling in my heart of pain that I’d be making a bad decision. One that I didn’t want to show AT ALL because I kept telling myself “I’m not weak toughen up, you’ll get through it like you always have”. This time around it was just different, I didn’t want to start over again and I realized I have a real issue. I dont even know myself well enough to love my own partner the way Christ loved me. My identity was wrapped up in my own protection of myself. As my relationship with God built stronger, all my impurities was having a party in the light. It was a mirror moment. I really thought to myself “man I don’t want him to reserve himself from me, I really do want to love him the way God loves him.”
If I could just hold his heart and care for it that would be an honor, a privilege. To see his eyes without any walls, to hug and and feel his weight on mine unguarded, to listen to his words and hear a leader, daddy, friend, son, husband, lover, all in one is a gift. To hold his strong hands and still feel the gentle security of a worrier is what I want. When I think on these I just have no choice but to open up myself to my husband. When I began to look at him for the identity god gave him, I learn to love him more. I’m still there, learning. I haven’t arrived and I’ll never just arrive but I’ll keep arriving with him. Going to deeper levels I’m starting to take note on the little things. The things that go unnoticed when your to consumed in life and yourself. This also act as a mirror for me because when I think this way I begin to see the incredible woman I can be, I begin to think on my values if I would just learn to love and respect my husband, I see me as a helper, covering, lover, care taker, leader, a mom (to be). Let just say “I see the bone from his back and flesh of his flesh” Lol (paraphrased) Genesis 2:23.
#LearningtoLove